Are you down with BDR?

Nothing in life is ever completely black and white. Perhaps it seems that way, the ever passing faces learning in to get a glimpse. But it's not because we want to learn about others. No, it's because we're noisy and we're curious and we're eager to figure out everything about that person. We look at someone for a second and decide if we want to be there friends. Sometimes we guess wrong, but we don't even know. My friend Greg is a tall, skinny white guy with a green backpack and loves the environment and making the world a better place like I do. But we were eating dinner and we saw a tall, black football player with the school sweatpants on walking past our table. Greg told me that he wouldn't know what to say this man, because he thought they wouldn't have anything in common. But we don't know that because we make snap judgments.

That's why I fail at the dating game. It's not self-pity or loathing, it's not even a call for attention. It's the truth. Because if you live in a place where I live and you look the way I look, you're not going to get a boyfriend. I about 12 when one of my then friends Marissa started "dating". She had a boyfriend,an "older man" at 14. She was my height, but thinner and blonde and cuter and her boyfriend was the most popular guy. Then, my friends in Girl Scouts started to have boyfriends and I liked boys and I wanted to date, but I wasn't that person.

I wasn't lucky like that, because I wasn't blonde enough or white enough or cool enough even. The idea that a black girl could find "love" in Maine seemed impossible. But I never had a problem with the idea of interracial dating. But people think that we're so different, that no one has anything in common and it's not true. My joke is that interracial dating works for white guys and asian women, black men and white girls. And it's because of the stereotypes that goes with both subsets. But for black women, we don't have anything. We're supposed to loud and fat and in your face and angry. Ok, maybe we can cook fried chicken. But I'm vegetarian. So I can't do that.

I was 17 when I went to college, and I knew that going to a school with 10,000 people I was sure to find someone. But the problem was this: I dated, sure. I went to parties and made out with some guy to make my self esteem higher, but I couldn't have bought a boyfriend. I dated a guy named Ben freshman year, but in truth he loved the ladies and would have dated any race. The next guy I dated was also named Ben. But he told me his parents wouldn't be cool with him dating a black girl, yet he was interested in at least trying it out. Just to see what it was like. It mustn't have worked well. He was still in love with his (white) ex and he broke up with me. There were several boys that I had a crush on, but I either knew they wouldn't like me or I figured they wouldn't. I was too dark, my hair wasn't right, etc. etc. Even black men didn't like me. I wasn't lucky. In fall 2009, I began dating a guy I fell in love with. Though he was white, I jokingly said that he was blacker than I was. He listened to black music. He had a poster of a black person on his wall. He played basketball and his best friends were minorities. And for the first time, race didn't matter. But then, as couples do, we broke up 5 months later and he started dating a girl the following week. And the first thing I wondered was "is she white?" But I never asked.

Interracial dating shouldn't be as big a taboo as people make it out to be. It shouldn't change the way people date. I know that black people, not just white people are often against it. I think the black argument is that we should "keep it in the family." I think the black women especially yell at white chicks for "stealing brothers." I don't agree with that, but I understand it. I've always been attracted to guys outside my race. Always. So I think we should be able to date who we want. But I also understand the argument. The black men in Maine get way more play than I ever will, possibly more than some white guys. It's because they're tall and strong looking and they allegedly have...well we know what they have. So by all means the white chicks can date them. But the worst thing is when they think they know everything there is to know about black history and black people just because they are dating a black man. Recently, I almost got into a fight at a party. A girl who will remain nameless (but only because I don't know her name)was what my friend Leta and I call a "Stove Piper"- check urbandictionary for def. She was all over every single black guy at the party- including one of my black guy friends. "Hey, hey look at me, I wanna talk to you," she said, trying to get my friend's attention. I was a little drunk and we had had past non racial issues at a previous party. So I said, "You know what, I don't think he's that interested. He's ignoring you." She looked at me and gave me her best white version of a black girl finger shake. "Oh no girlfriend, you better believe he's into me. They (meaning black guys) are always into me." I walked away. Mainly because I wanted to spend my weekend graduating, not in a jail cell for assault. She wasn't worth it.

So what's the message that we should take away? We, as humans, need to get over ourselves, get over the idea that everything is face value. It's not. We can't judge a book by its cover. I mean, we can, but it's not worth it. Girls can go BDR (again, urban dictionary) and I don't mind. I don't judge. We shouldn't judge.